Quickly Bring Down Your MailChimp Bill In 4 Steps Or Less!
Do you wish you could find a way to make sure you only had subscribers on your mailing list who didn’t care so you would be in a lower cost tier?
If you’re looking for a way to keep costs down and clean out the riff-raff then the easiest way to do that is to annoy your customers!
Here’s how to annoy a customer with your e-newsletter and get them to unsubscribe in 4 easy steps or less:
Send out your e-newsletter filled with article headlines and snippets that don’t give a lot of information but include a link to read more just in case they care about you or your information.
Note: If they haven’t hit unsubscribe yet and you did too good a job at enticing them with your content, they may click on a link to go read one of those articles. This is bad; so if they insist on clicking the link follow the instructions in step 2!
Don’t take them to the full article just yet – that might encourage engagement and staying on your list. Instead take them to a page that has only a slightly longer version of the snippet.
Explain to the reader that if they insist on reading the full version of your article that they will need to read the digital edition of your newsletter/magazine for online and iPad viewing to see the whole article. Provide them one link to the digital edition.
Note: They may want to actually stick around if they like the digital edition of the article and that won’t help you get the unsubscribes you need. If they haven’t closed the browser window and hit unsubscribe yet you need to create more barriers and a more openly hostile relationship with them – move on to step 3!
Remember when you told them to see the digital edition for online and iPad viewing they just had to click a button and they’d finally get to see the article and they did? *laughs* How foolish they were!
The beauty of this step is that you purposely created a false lead-in with step number 2 making them actually think that they were going right to a digital edition that worked for both online browsers >and< iPads. Instead, you now get to present them with another page and ask them to choose which version they want – online or iPad. Another click? More like another reason to give them to unsubscribe!
Note: At this point almost all of your subscribers will have given up in frustration and found the unsubscribe button and left you in peace and with more money in your bank account. However, there are the occasional stubborn subscribers who will still keep trying. If that’s what’s happening to you, then it’s time for some drastic action – move on to step 4!
Don’t take them directly to an easy-to-read, user friendly formatted article. Instead, provide them a nice pretty magazine-like version (hey, you warned them!) and make them figure out the user interface and hit the navigation arrows until they find the article in question.
Don’t forget to make it layed out in a “cool” format that requires lots of moving around the page and small print. That way they will have to try and zoom in and out and scroll up and down and left to right in order to read it. Pro-tip: It helps if the article in question contains mostly meaningless and useless information and has lots of grammar issues and typos in it.
At this point you should have lost at least two-thirds of your subscribers and cut your e-newsletter provider bill down to the lowest tier. This is a great achievement and should be celebrated (cheaply, of course).
Unfortunately you can’t do much about the last one-third as they most likely just hit delete and never open your email or you did your job right and it went into their spam filter but if you hold out long enough they’ll eventually unsubscribe on their own.
Got a tip for how to lose your potential customers? Share them in the comments below.
(Inspired by a true story.)